seriously.

oh, Clive. you get me every time.

2010-12-18T10:07:00.002-05:00

"the books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. these things -- the beauty, the memory of our own past -- are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshipers. for they are not the thing itself, they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."

-C.S. Lewis

I didn't write this. I don't know who did...

2010-12-17T21:41:00.002-05:00

On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realize there were no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.

That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

That you control that completely.

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That that’s why it’s worth living.

That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around.

That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.

And so are you.

...but it was certainly important for me to both read and share.

(hoping that your heart knows Love during this lovely season)

my mother.

2010-05-08T23:30:00.002-04:00

An excerpt from my journal...

Today, I looked at my hands and I saw my mother. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
--April 2, 2010

It's true. I love my mother.
My new favorite compliment is "You look a lot like your mom."
She is beautiful. She is full of grace. She teaches me about peace everyday. She lets me be me.
She always has.
I love her.
My mom is generous. Her money. Her time. Her energy. Her love.
She treats it as if it is already yours. Nothing, in her mind, belongs to solely her. It is there for sharing.
This is why she is beautiful.
This is why I love to be likened to her.

Happy Mother's Day to my Little Mommy. I love you very much. Thanks for being my mom.

fear

2010-03-18T09:40:00.007-04:00

if i am going to be completely honest.

the things i desire most are the things that generate the most fear inside of me.

thoughts of pursuing what i want,

what my heart needs,

spin me into a fit.

to love.

to write.

to speak.

to create.

i will toil for a distraction from any of these desires.

i will attempt to put roots into things that i do not love in order to

avoid

the very things i want the most.

because i'm afraid.

my fear of imperfection binds me to the starting line.

my fear of vulnerability cages me.

my fear of being used breeds skepticism.

my fear of pain makes me blind to opportunity.

i will say out of one side of my mouth that i would no longer like to be haunted by my fear.

and out of the other sing its praises for the comfort it provides.

~~~

the solution?

is it morality?

is it striving?

is it lying?

pretending?

ignoring?

the easy answer is to just stop being afraid,

accepting the choice to simply

not fear.

i pray that i will stop running away,

stop fearing the risk involved in embracing the beauty that is to be found in a heart that has allowed itself to be

filled

i've been going to counseling.

2010-03-02T16:04:00.006-05:00

My heart is so full.

Full of love,

Full of pain,

Full of knowledge,

Full of grace,

Full of worry,

Full of searching,

Full of finding.

God is cleaning house.

Just like He said he would.

He is sweeping out all the bad.

The untruth.

The unbeautiful.

And burning it in the fire.

He's making room for the good.

He is replacing the ugly.

With the truth.

The beautiful.

The gracious.

The light.

I'm in the middle of the progress.

Sometimes the light hits me and I just can't help but sparkle within His beauty.

And sometimes, as the cancer of my story is being defeated, I am knocked on my feet.

I find hope in knowing that this strenuous, beautiful process is a sign of what's to come.

Because if I go through the hard times with Him, then I will certainly experience the good with Him as well.

For now, I'm just full.

Forgive me for bursting into fits, be them laughter or tears.

My heart is full, spilling over, pouring out the most peculiar mix of feelings, and understanding that the only real pain in life is to feel nothing at all.

put down your pitch forks.

2010-02-09T16:04:00.002-05:00

This past Sunday a small part of my house caught on fire. Luckily the house will be fine after a few weeks of work. I am not worried about the house or having a place to stay or anything else concerning my material needs. God gives and takes away. But he always provides.
What is bothering me and will probably continue to bother me is my heart and my spirit.

My mind is full of thoughts. Pictures of the panic I experienced when I realized what was going on. The fear that rushed through my body when I saw my house on fire.

I am angry. I don't understand. I don't get it. I don't see the purpose of this craziness.

And I honestly feel like God owes me an apology.

I know. That makes me a monster.

I mean. We are all completely safe. Our "stuff" is totally fine.

But my heart is afraid. My mind races when it should be sleeping. We did everything right.
And now I don't even get the privilege of rebuilding. I don't get to start over.
I have to look at the holes in the wall and the ceiling.
See the charred wood. And instead of walking away, I have to deal with the scars in the house.
And the scars in my heart.

The thing is.
I know I should trust God.
to heal and to provide purpose.

But why does he get to make it so difficult?

he must have liked it....

2010-01-29T00:08:00.003-05:00

cause he.... well... you know. :)

I am happy to announce that tonight, January 28th, 2010, James Eaton asked me to be his wife.

And I said yes.

Bliss. that is all.

Expressed doubley through sighs and giggles. :)

the things i choose to believe.

2010-01-13T13:12:00.004-05:00

I started crying in the middle of Arby's last night.
Yes. In public.
In my puddle, James deciphered that I felt out of control and needed something.
So, like a good man, he took me to Wal mart and bought me a planner.

I was able to breathe again.
To have the option to plan and dream.... and control.
It was beautiful to me.

But this afternoon.
I know that I can write in permanent marker all over that little black book and hope and work and strive for all of it to come true.
And avoid everything that is not written in there.

But ultimately,
I don't get a choice sometimes.
There are things in life that are impossible for me to affect.
I'm not so sure this is so beautiful anymore.

Goals.

2010-01-08T16:27:00.002-05:00

Last year I made one REALLY big resolution and totally failed.
This year I have made a list of goals.
Some are reasonable.
Some are audacious.
All are meant to better me and you.

The biggest is to make a decision everyday concerning who I am. I have been passively waiting to be told who i am but this year I have decided that it is me and only me who gets to decide. So. I'm going to decide.

Happy 2010. :)

Christmas Eve Eve Eve

2009-12-22T09:26:00.001-05:00

...this is the week where i have an excuse for indulging all my fears in a bath of carbohydrates.

next week.
is a different story.

call me childish...

2009-12-09T19:34:00.002-05:00

...but I honestly thought I would be able to spend my entire life escaping any people who were mean to me for no reason at all....

I never anticipated my character being called out by a stranger.
I believed that no one would ever throw words in my face that couldn't possibly be true.
I thought everyone would see me. and know me. and like me.

This week, I encountered all of the above in one hurtful hour that I am trying to forget.
Someone who knows very little about me tore me to shreds... to my face... well...to my phone.

Things were said. Lies were told. My personality was butchered. My boyfriend was called a fool. My character was challenged.

And my heart was broken.

I can't just go on like this didn't happen. I have to be true to the Beauty I am called to live in and defend.

So. Here goes.

Those things you said to me were wrong.
I am no liar.
I am not lazy.
I am not manipulative.
I was telling the truth and you were not.
I was not playing a game. You were.
I am not perfect and neither are you.
You know nothing about me.
If you did, you would know.
I strive for integrity. I fail. But I am not a thief.
I did not rob you. You robbed yourself.
James loves me. His commitment to me is steadfast. No words you say will change that. And he would never speak to any human being the way you spoke to me.
I did not quit.
I did not refuse to do anything.

And I my heart breaks for you. I have spent the last two days inside my head, imagining how ugly your life must be. To speak to a girl like me, one who has risen above the petty drama and excelled at anything you have asked, the way you did says so much about your life. I have been sad for myself-- those words you said were not fair. I deleted them from my phone but I can't delete them from my heart. But I am working on forgiving you. Part of that forgiveness is a deep desire to see justice. I am praying for you. I can not seem to stop praying for you.

I am praying that God will humiliate you. Bring you to your knees. Beg for His mercy.

I am praying that you will accept His mercy. I pray that you will feel the rush of His grace and you will be free from yourself-- the self that makes you say those things you did. I pray you will no longer be without a choice. I pray that you will find His love and acceptance. I pray you won't feel the need to bury another purpose for your cause. I pray you will find this. And share it with your family. I pray your children will learn to lean on the love of their heavenly father. I pray you will learn to lead with this love.

Now. I pray that the Beauty that lives inside of me -- that you tried to desecrate -- will be restored to a luster-- a strength-- never seen before.

Life lesson learned. Kami. Not everyone is going to care for you. The good news is, He will never stop.

what to say?

2009-11-21T22:06:00.001-05:00

It's been months.

I plan on doing a better job on keeping up. :)

how about an update?

2009-07-21T17:06:00.004-04:00

Seeing that it's been an eternity, here is a bit of an update:

1. Camp is almost over at NGU and I am thrilled! I am very excited about what the Fall semester holds.

2. The friends I have made here this summer are some of the best ever. It is an amazing experience to cultivate real community with people. Living and working with the same 20 odd people for nine weeks produces some conflict but, overall, a functional, happy family.

3. I have been conquering some fears. For instance, running.... Yeah, I've done it.

4. I miss my family but love being a grown-up. ;)

5. I am still in the process of buying a car. (still looking for options as I wait... )

6. I've lost 20 pounds and feel phenomenal. (thanks to Brandon Simpson of upstateelitefitness.com)

7. I have expereinced both ends of generosity and believe that this world would find some peace if everyone could grasp that idea.

8. I started sleeping with a mask at night (again). It blocks out light and I fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer... And I like BOTH of those things.

9. I've rekindled my romance with coffee. We're totally in love.

And finally,
10. I am now 20 years old!! No longer a teenager. Hmm.. And. I had one of the best birthdays ever!

That's about it. :) I love my job, my friends, and my life. I am enjoying living it so stinkin' much!

knowing you. knowing me.

2009-07-01T12:00:00.000-04:00

in order to remember who He is, i am reminding myself of who i am.

diet coke.

2009-06-29T18:55:00.002-04:00

I just drank a glass of it for dinner.

I am so not used to have any caffiene.

I feel like there are bugs crawling around in my insides.

I'm all jittery... It's weird.

I'm definitely not used to feeling like this... My fingers are typing faster than my brain.

Weird. So weird that I've done everything I can think of to occupy my mind.

So I decided to write a blog... But now I'm bored...

OK. Bye.

one month.

2009-06-26T19:22:00.002-04:00

is a long time to not write a blog...

so. sorry.

in short:
*i still like my job
*i am learning so stinking much
*i absolutely adore the people around me everyday
*i have lost 16 pounds and feel incredible
*i miss my family
*i miss James like crazy but love learning how to be an individual again
*i started taking karate... and i really like it (despite how mentally challenged it makes me feel sometimes)
*i made a list of things i wanna do while i'm alive... and maybe i'll share it soon

ok. that's all for now :)
ta ta. -K

new job

2009-05-26T21:33:00.003-04:00

I'm officially a working lady... again.

I love North Greenville and so I have returned for the summer to work for Student Services. My job will be difficult.

But I am so so so excited about the summer!! It will be challenging and it will be wonderful!

hustle and bustle.

2009-05-19T10:02:00.002-04:00

I have been so busy the last week or so...

And I very happy about it!

With everyone else at work or school, I could go crazy being in the house all day by myself, but, thank goodness, there has been much to do!

Let me just tell you:
-Babysitting (Caleb. he's four. and he is a Thomas the train EXPERT)
-seeing old friends
-going on dates... (i know. :) )
-grocery shopping for my mom (which was so fun... i planned out a menu for the next two weeks and then went shopping for the food! .... it's the small things.... ha)
-running errands for family members
-taking care of Cokie, the big brown dog.
ANNNDDDD...
My new favorite:

Going out and doing things.... BY MYSELF!!! So, i am totally an introvert- which means I feel the most energized and alive after I have been alone for a period of time. And I have discovered that I really really really really really really really really love going out by myself... This counts as a discovery BECAUSE- I always knew I liked staying in by myself, but since I have had access to a car I can drive, I have been taking full advantage! And. I. Love. It.!!!!!

Got any suggestions of fun places you like to go by yourself?

anxiety.

2009-05-18T00:20:00.002-04:00

I am pretty sure that is the designated title for my fear.

I'm afraid that death will surprise me.

I think that is what anxiety feels like....

got any thoughts??

Only Nuns Change Habits Overnight

2009-05-12T08:05:00.003-04:00

(**warning. this is long. sorry karla... hee hee... )

Ok, so recently I read this book that completely changed how I work. (ok. at least it changed how I think... hee.)

"My nun book," as it is now so commonly referred, was full of real-life tips and things to facilitate real personal change (or growth as I like to see it... change is such a hairy word... hahaha).

Since I finished it, I decided I should give you some highlights! (At least the

*Between discomfort and transformation are dreams. So dream! Build those castles in the sky.

*Every choice that you make that gets you closer to transformation is a brick in the foundation of your castle in the sky. And eventually, that castle won't just be something you dream about- it will be where you LIVE!

*It takes one heartbeat to change your life, the heartbeat in the second that you decide and commit to change.

*Procrastination is a result of being afraid of imperfection (imperfobia... story of my life)... so procrastinators=perfectionists...

*Usually, procrastination happens when you associate unpleasant emotions with certain tasks... (For me, the fear of failure is what keeps me from doing school work...)

*Owning those feelings and deciding that they do not own you is the only way to get to the bottom of procrastination.

*Once you own your feelings, you can let them go. You can actually choose to not hold on to the bad and really just let go.

There are a few of the millions of things I learned from this book.

The coolest, most life-altering illustration given in this book was about hurt feelings. The author (Karen Scalf Linamen) tells a story about her daughter's feelings being hurt and I will never forget the picture she drew about those feelings. She said:

Your feelings are hurt. But they are yours. Think of them like a crystal vase that someone threw on the ground... They are shattered shards of glass. You can choose to go pick up the pieces and hold them as long as you want. But since they are yours, you can choose to let them go and stop the pain. Letting go does not mean that what someone did was ok, it just means that you are not going to continue hurting yourself. You can open up your hands and put the glass pieces down.

Wow. OK. enough introspection for the day... I really really recommend this book if you are looking for help in changing your life :). It starts with dreaming,... so dream! Go on... do it!

i covet your prayers.

2009-05-11T20:50:00.003-04:00

Please pray for my grandmother (my nana).
On Sunday, she had a stroke.
She is stable and the only area affected by the stroke is her speech.
She is perfectly coherent, she just has expression aphasia... big word that means she can't make words come out of her mouth.
The good news is that, after some rehab, she will be able to speak again.
Please just pray that the rehabilitation process wont be too frustrating for her.
Also pray for her heart. I am not sure if she is a Believer. Pray that God will use this time of silence for her to hear him.
And pray for me. Pray for my family- that we will use the opportunity we have to speak love to her.
Thanks. -K

Mother's Day.

2009-05-10T09:45:00.002-04:00

My mom.

I love her.

She is fun and silly.

She is also very nurturing and does a really good job at loving her kids.

She tries. And that matters.

I love my mom.

Happy Mother's Day!

family.

2009-05-09T11:28:00.003-04:00

I love them.

We have so much fun together.

And this picture, according to my mom, is a pretty accurate depitction of who we are in real life.

My brother is adorable and will do anything for a laugh.

My sister is.. who she is... which happens to be naturally fun and hilarious.

And me. I just laugh. I am the one who sits and smiles and giggles in the corner.

I am so thankful for them and the fullness of life we all get to share. :) -K

climbing things.

2009-05-07T09:44:00.002-04:00

I am going home today and I am so happy about it. I am ready to go.

My reflections on this year are not at all happy and wonderful.

Don't get me wrong- no regrets here.

My year was just a mountain. It was uphill the whole time. It was a hard climb. It was not ever easy. There was no point where the terrain got flat and I felt relief. I struggled and thought it would never end.

But here I am. On top of this beastly mountain. I feel like I made it to the top and now I can just relax and enjoy seeing everything from a new perspective until I have to climb the next one.

It feels good. It feels like a glass of lemonade on a hot day.

It tastes like sweet relief...

relief.

2009-05-06T09:55:00.003-04:00

I am finished!
I will be going home tomorrow and I couldn't be more thrilled about it!

Hooray for summer!!
:)-K

success!

2009-05-05T01:14:00.002-04:00

just wanted to share something.

today was a huge day for me.

I let some things go that I had been holding on to for too much time.
I took back some things that I had pushed on someone else.
I owned something that I had been denying for a while.
I forgave.
I trusted.
I cleaned.
I reveled.
I smiled from my heart (and not just from my face)
I laughed.
I felt warm and secure.

My heart was steadfast.
For an unstable girl like me, it doesn't get any better than that! :)

I wish i had a picture...

2009-05-03T12:12:00.002-04:00

OK, so I have mentioned before that I do not like surprises. This fact usually keeps me from trying new things.

Well, world, I looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care" yesterday....

I tried something new...

I attempted to make a cake. In a crock pot.

I have seen it done before. I have poured over tons of different recipes until I found one that was almost identical to my favorite (chocolate chip pound cake... yum-my... I know... something "almost" new). I bought all the right ingredients. I put in the right amounts of everything. And I patiently waited six of the eight hours required for cooking a cake in a crock pot. At hour six, i just got hungry. I had to go get something to eat.

While pulling through the drive through of my favorite little food place, my roommate, Molly, calls to tell me that our ENTIRE hall reeks of whatever is inside the crock pot... (My friend Haley is quoted as saying, "Something is rotting in here!!!")

I was so disappointed. The majority of the cake was a big mushy mess and the bottom layer was charred to a crisp. It was so gross cleaning it out this morning. (It was still to hot last night to mess with...) I'm feeling a little discouraged about trying new things now...But i suppose it is for the best... I probably would have been single-handedly responsible for eating the entire thing anyway, so I guess it worked out for the good of everyone... sigh. -K

its finally over... almost.

2009-04-30T11:25:00.002-04:00

Today is the last official day of classes.
Finals start tomorrow.
I have so much studying to do, it's ridiculous.
But.
I have hope.

Seriously.

This week I feel like a rush of hope has swept over me.

The end is in sight. I can see where things are going and how I'm going to survive. I feel that, while the rest is going to be a struggle, I have really already won.

I have learned so much in the last handful of days. (not talking about school, by the way)

And I have a really good feeling about what's to come! :) -K

sahil.

2009-04-29T11:00:00.003-04:00

His name is Sahil. I dont know much about him other than he has one sibling and likes playing with other children.

But this little boy from India is changing my life.

the end.

2009-04-26T15:19:00.004-04:00

This semester is almost over and I feel relieved.

My classes were hard and my schedule was tight.

But many lessons have been learned:

This semester, I took 17 hours of classes, was a RA, had a part time job, and sang in a band...
I think the place I am at right now is more commonly known as burn out.... I'm tired. Brain-dead. And I pretty much loathe the idea of doing any of the things listed above... (just honesty). I know that after a few weeks of rest, I will be up and ready to take on the world, but right now, the end can't come fast enough.... AND... the beginning can't be empty enough....

Next year, I will be an Assistant Coordinator for housing/ student services... this means a whole new world of responsibility and time commitment... meaning... I have to cut something else out.... And trust me. This decision has been painstaking... and I've come to no real conclusion yet, but when I do, I'll probably write about it...

I am also in a period of tremendous pressure and pushing and stretching from God... I have learned more about myself and more about the change that needs to be made in me this semester than I have in any easy time (when, let's be honest, it would be WAY more convenient for me to consider...).

In learning more about who I want to be and will be and am today, i have figured out that the only way my life can function next year is by making a schedule and sticking to it. Because of my distractability, life is never dull with me. But it is also really hard for me to commit to doing AND FINISHING almost anything. So a schedule seems to be the way to go. (any other recommendations are welcome!!)

I have also been intentionally implementing a new word into every day. And that word is "anyway"... "even though your bed will never look perfect, make it anyway".... "even though your paper is not going to be perfect, start writing it anyway"... "even though that person might disappoint you, trust them anyway"... "even though you will never ever look perfect, skip dessert and go for a walk anyway".... The anyways are slowly changing the way I work. (slowly).

So now its off to finish one big paper and start studying for six tests and then school will be over...

and it really couldn't come fast enough....

my dream.

2009-04-25T01:07:00.005-04:00

is also what breaks my heart.

orphans.

gosh. just typing that makes my stomach jerk into knots and tears form in my eyes.

kids who grow up and never know what it is like to feel the love and warmth that comes with being the center of someone's affections.

(this is a new realization for me. i've honestly never considered how a child without parents might feel. unitl i realized that the love that was in my heart exceeded that which i could keep. and realized that there are so many children who are born with no parents... or parents who just can't do parenting well... i mean, anyone can have a baby... there is no test you have to pass or any class you have to take... anyone can bring a child into this world and knowing that makes me want to adopt as many children as i can. one day.)

i dont know exactly how i feel yet about bringing children into a world as crazy as the one in which we live... but loving one that's already here? that, to me, is a no-brainer....

do it. some of my very favorite people in the world were raised by parents who didn't always know them.... my cousin Maks, (one of my favorite cousins) was adopted from Russia... my roommate, Molly, was adopted domestically... and all of my puppies have been adopted... (ok, that one was just for kicks... but it's true... they have all become members of our family in one way or antoher ;) )

so. i want to show children (who would never know it otherwise) the love that has been so faithfully shown to me.

occupationally? it might just mean volunteering somewhere on the weekends

but as far as life application? my heart has been so softened to the idea of adoption... it has been put on my 'life list' of sorts... it has become one of my dreams.

please dont try to ride the wave.

2009-04-21T20:26:00.004-04:00

Dear whoever you are,
what i want more than anything is the freedom to be who i am
to feel the things i feel
to be surrounded by a love that is so true that no emotion that i may ever have will cause it to change.

in the little experience i have at trying, i have found that the only way this can happen is if you have a stable sense of consistency in who you are and what you want in life.

you can't go up and down with me.
you can't look to me to determine the direction we should go
because i flop around like a fish out of water when i have to play that role

i feel everything
emotion
pain
color
taste
music
love

i feel it all
my feelings are the filter that the world passes through before my brain interprets it
this is Kami
this is who i am

i am strong and i dont need you to figure it all out for me
but if you want a piece of who i am
i have to be free

free to live
free to feel
free to love

i need a frame for the picture of my life
a steadfast frame to keep me inside the lines
but give me enough room to spin around in circles if i need to

so please
dont try to jump unboard and ride with me
we'll both be better off if you let me go where i am now
and if you figure out where we're going to be tomorrow

thanks,
kam

it's 3:08 a.m.

2009-04-21T03:08:00.003-04:00

my least favorite feeling:

throwing up.

guess what is happening?

you guessed it.

my life. today.

why?

maybe forcing me to stop with the anxiety-inducing craziness... though i really dont have the time...

wanna know a secret?

2009-04-20T11:42:00.009-04:00

i hate surprises.

seriously.

i have claimed to love them for most of my life, but those who know me best (both of you) will attest to the fact that i revel in control.

if being in charge of something were a sport, i would dominate.

i dont like being surprised and i definitely dont like being told what to do... being under the control of anyone else makes me ANGRY...

ok. honestly. it makes me nervous. anxious. uncertain. afraid.

learning to control myself was not a hard lesson for me. i was never an unruly child (yes. i was stubborn... that was part of my problem with control)... i didn't give my parents grief as a wild teenager. i followed all the rules i felt were appropriate. (my parents were strict, so give me a break... some of them were silly). Anyway. the point i am making is this: i've been 40 since i was five. i mastered the craft of self-control.

as well as the art of controlling others. how is this possible? you may ask... and here's my secret:

i watch people. i watch and listen and analyze and assess. and then when i think i know someone, i use what i know to get what i want... manipulation... i confess. i am a manipulator.

see, honesty is to raw, too vulnerable to grant everyone. it's a much more secure place to be when others give me honesty and i use it to control. i dont like to be surprised.

so. how do you help me? i already know that God is in control. i believe him. what i want to know is how you give up a need for control? or for you it might be a need to please? how do you let go of the things?

back.

2009-04-13T13:22:00.002-04:00

I can't tell you how many things i have learned since i decided to stop talking and listen these last few weeks...

i wrote down as much as possible and can't wait to share it here...

all i have to say right this second is..

i'm learning. i'm a work in progress. all the esteem i have given myself, all the 'expertise' i have in life-- it's not complete. it's not what i have made it into.

and.

i miss not talking out my questions here... so hopefully i'll be able to share and be shared with!! ok. ok....

blah blah blah....

love.

so long...

2009-02-24T20:27:00.005-05:00

Ooook... so to say that this is an original idea would be false... so thank you Anne Jackson for this business here...

Lent is here... I, being raised pretty much Baptist, never celebrated Lent. It's this old rule that we are free from... but...

I have been really hungry for time with God and in my day full of activities the one thing- both feasable and necessary- that I can sacrifice for a few weeks is....

This.

(Not just my blog.. as my three posts in February are proof of-- i can live with no blog... :) )

However, subtracting Facebook and Twitter from my life for a few weeks will be challenging but will be so beneficial!!

The time I have been spending online is overcoming my life... so here goes...

Goodbye little online world... I'll be back soon enough...

Love week.

2009-02-10T11:29:00.001-05:00

Valentine's Day.

I'm not afraid.

Really.

Ok. Not anymore. Honestly the nasty little holiday at the end of this week has been creeping toward me like an iceburg... Here I am on the Titantic.... just waiting for my demise.

Yes. "Jack" has figuratively floated to the bottom of the ocean... It's true. No sense in denying real life...

But. I see it coming. I am not satisfied with merely bracing for impact any longer... I'm going to turn this ship around.

I am embracing this week of love. I believe in love. In loving deeply. So. This week I would like to write a blog everyday about the things I love in my life. (DISCLAIMER: I said I would like to... not that I will... I will try.... that's all I can promise).

I love my roommate. She brings out the best in my living habits. She challenges me to be disciplined in every part of my life. And just this morning, girlfriend whipped out her Bible only to fill my head and my heart with the love and encouragement of Christ. I love her.

I love my school. Oh North Greenville. I have not always felt this way, but year two has been grand. I do love it here.

I love my cell phone. It is a pink razor (not sure if that is the proper spelling. dont care.). It speaks volumes of God's ffaithfulness to me. I got it as a gift from my "second parents." (who also gave me four whole years of free cell phone service to get me through college... GOd is soooo good). I drop it a lot. A whole lot. But so far, in about 19 months, it has never stoppped working. It is a nice thing to have.

I love my contacts. My vision is weird. And getting weirder. But I got new contacts just a couple of days ago and as soon as I put them in, everything around me looks so clean and new. It's like an entirely new perspective from just contact lenses... weird. I know.

I love my bed. I am a really good sleeper. Really. It takes me less than a minute to fall asleep and once I conk out, it takes a WHOLE lot to wake me up. I love that I have a bed that swallows me everytime I get in it. I recognize what a real blessing it is to have a bed. And I love the one I have.

So. There are a few silly things that I love. Stay tuned for more things that make my heart happy... And don't fret. Valentine's Day does NOT have to be horrible for you either. Trust me. I think I have the most potential for dread than any one on the planet currently... Seriously. So, cliche as it sounds, if I can do this, so can you...

Find the love in your life this week!!

that Elizabeth Elliot.

2009-02-01T21:59:00.003-05:00

"The things we feel most deeply we must learn to quiet about at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God."

-Elizabeth Elliot

Sorry. This may have inspired me to write a lot less... Or at least differently...

I hate seeing my friends hurt.

2009-01-17T00:28:00.002-05:00

I really really hate seeing those close to me in pain.

My initial reaction is to fight.

Fight for them,

Fight against what stands in their way,

Fight the people who are responsible for their hurt,

Fight the excuses they have for staying in their hurt....

I just want to fight.

This week has been no different. One of my close friends at North Greenville is really struggling.
She's hurting.

That makes me want to scream.

I want to yell at the person hurting her to just tell her the truth.

I want to yell at her to stand up for herself and say what she wants to say.

I want to yell at the people who have influenced both of their decisions.

I want to yell at the girls next door and across the hall to take control of their lives and own their feelings and accept that it is ok for all of us to not be walked all over.

I want to yell at myself for not saying something earlier.

I want to fight!

But.

I've been told that it's not my place to be everybody's lawyer. Fighting other people's battles, I'm told, is not the thing to do.

I also believe in defending those who can't defend themselves. (It's in the Bible... look it up).

So I'm torn.

One thing I know for sure, however, is that simply watching other people hurt is impossible for me. I feel it with them every time.

Some people have super hearing or tasting or vision... I am a super feeler. I empathize with everyone for everthing. Even if I haven't felt what they are feeling before, I find myself experinecing what they are experiencing.

So, I want to fight. I am invested too.

But what do I do? The question of my life, it seems...

Dont worry... I'm still alive.

2009-01-15T13:02:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the time away and the empty promise of being back sooner.

I have 700 excuses.

And they're all good and would convince you to not be upset with me...

But excuses are all they are.

I've been doing a little bit of thinking lately so when I have more time I will write a little.

the plan.

2008-12-28T12:13:00.002-05:00

Sorry for the break without warning...

Need to rest... blog will return January 5, 2009.

See ya in a week...

A day in the life...

2008-12-07T10:26:00.003-05:00

I slept in today.
Then I woke up freezing... roommate left the window open yesterday and I, of course, forgot to close it.
Found almost immediate inspiration to contribute what I can to change what I think is wrong in the world.
Started working on a project that is super secret as of right now that involves aforementioned changing of the world.
Left after a couple of hours to get some lunch and grab a coffee before settling in to do some studying.
Unfortunately, studying never happened.
I've been increasingly easily distracted.
Today was no exception. Now I can't work due to a MAJOR distraction.
Three screaming, howling, laughing little girls are sitting across from me at Spill the Beans... their parents are just watching them... no wait... one just took a picture...
Makes me wonder if they've ever been in public before...
Keep seeing beautiful dogs and their matching humans walk by the window...
James just sneezed a hundred times.
Seriously. These girls are still at it. One of their parents just called them down by snapping in their direction. No words. Just a snap while she carried on with her (obviously) important conversation. Wow. Yay for effective parenting... Only it (obviously) didn't work... The screaming goes on...
I love seeing middle aged couples who look like they are genuinely in love with each other. I love watching love.
Just saw a guy with a prettier purse than mine. Jealous.
Now the hellions are feeding their matching Build-A-Bears their ice cream... If my mom spent probably 50 bucks on one of those and I got chocolate ice cream all over it, I think I would be sentenced to death... Not these precious one's... moms don't care.
I've seen about 30 people cross the street in the absolute middle of the intersection I can see... not at the crosswalks or even a rational point to cross... but literally in the middle of the little square of the intersection.
Now they are stomping across the concrete-floor... And rubbing chocolate ice cream all over their faces... It's getting less annoying and more pitiful... MOM LOOK AT THEM! PLEASE!! Seriously... your kids are bothering everyone and I'm pretty sure a break in your little society meeting could be the solution to ending every one else's pain...
I am enjoying Taylor Swift's new album as I type this. I do like her and it.
Oh my gosh. One is pretending to "speak Chinese" and another is "speaking baby."
A man wearing chaps (over jeans...) just walked by... very interesting attire in my opinion...
It's getting a little quieter now. They've finished the ice cream...
Perhaps I have a shot at studying with the twelve minutes I have left.
Leaving at five to go to NewSpring. Excited about that.
One of the little one's just asked the others to please be quiet and do what they adults say. I love her.
Mommies just got mad and sent them outside to play... In winter... in the street..
James is studying.... really he's looking at new book bags...
Oh no. They're back inside... Louder than ever...
I really like this album... Taylor's one of my faves again...
Ok the little annoying one's are gone... I just looked around a watched another innocent by-stander breathe a simultaneous sigh of relief...
Oh my goodness... Another family with two kids just came in... followed by two photographers... mommy just said "Act cute" to the children... Oh my goodness... Parenting at it's best today... Sheesh.
Enough for today. Gotta go.

Comfort eats passion for breakfast.

2008-12-04T09:20:00.006-05:00

Yesterday I asked God to teach me something new about him. My brain was looking for some new inspiration...

You see, James and I had this mind blowing conversation yesterday where he said the most brilliant thing I have ever heard:

comfort makes passion die.

Think about that for just a second... how true is that?

How many times do we master tasks that we once enjoyed, but find ourselves bored when we figured out exactly how to do them?

Or when we finally make "enough" money to live stable, comfortable lives and then wonder why we don't feel God anymore...

Or when we accept the idea that we know our partners well enough... That's when passion dies.

The minute we assume that we have it all figured out and are ready to settle in for a nice, smooth ride, all of our passion goes right out the door.

I have to tell you, this statement meant two things to me:

#1. i've been searching for the wrong thing.

I've been looking for ways to make my life the easiest it can be. While there is nothing wrong with simplifying life, I have realized that seeking comfort and shying away from the hard/scary/involved things is like eating vanilla pudding when I could be eating hot fudge cake with a brownie on the side and whipped cream on top...

Jesus says that we will have trouble. (John 16:33) Which means that, first of all, that is exactly what will happen to everyone. But Jesus also says in this verse that we shouldn't worry because he has already overcome the world... To me this means that Kami Cross needs to stop being afraid of what might happen to her or what people might think of her (yes, I still care just a little) and start eating some cake!! Jesus already set it up for me to succeed (with the whole conquering the world already thing...), I just have to let go of living for comfort and God will give me the inspiration for my passion to soar.

#2. i can't dismiss this idea from any part of my life and still get results.

I have prayed so many times that God would make me need him. Seriously. I prayed for awesome things beyond my ability to even describe awesome. I prayed for horrible things that would force me to rely on him.

I prayed for rain in my soul because all my passion had dried up... while seeking a comfortable relationship with him, seeking a comfortable relationship with James, seeking a comfortable home and family, seeking a comfortable amount of work in school, seeking comfortable friendships, comfortable clothes, comfortable meals, comfortable exercise ( I know. ), comfortable everything.

No wonder my passion for any of these things no longer existed...

My ability to provide comfort for myself is astounding... Considering the dysfunction of my entire life before adulthood, the fact that I crave comfort is understandable... But that doesn't make it right...

i am no longer content to sleep in my cozy bed of life.

I have to search out and change every area of my life, my heart, the way I think, the way I feel, the way I behave, my relationships, my school work, -- every part.

Because I don't want to spend another day feeling dry and empty when I have the solution to fixing it.

Not Ordinary.

2008-12-04T01:27:00.003-05:00

I've decided to add a little consistency to my blog.

So, I'm adding a weekly installment named

"Thankful Thursday"

The idea is that every Thursday I will write a blog listing several things I am thankful for...

So since it is technically Thursday and I can't sleep, here goes issue numero uno:

I'm, thankful for:

1. Grace. I am realizing just how little I am capable of and just how much "bad" I contribute... I am also accepting that grace makes life and me "good."

2. That the semester is almost over! One more class and five finals and I am home for a month!

3. That I have been given so much "stuff." I've been on kind of a rant lately about how much material stuff Westerners accumulate and how little it means to us... And today I am just so thankful that God has really pulled out all the stops to make my life really really easy for me... I am also thankful that because this part of life is comfortable for me, God is going to make something else hard... And hard= meaningful. Also thankful that God has shown me just how trivial "things" are... Comfort/Ease= not meaningful.

4. My roommates. Both current and future. Leasa has been such a blessing. Our temperments could not have meshed more perfectly. And next semester I will be with Molly. I really can't wait!

5. Thinning scissors. I recently used them on my own hair for the first time... I was kind of nervous, but spent seven minutes chopping away and I LOVE my hair. It turned out perfectly!

6. That I'm getting a little bit sleepy.

7. Lotion. Winter makes my skin dry.

That's all for now...

I'm really excited about posting these every week! It will be fun I believe!

feeling it.

2008-12-02T15:44:00.002-05:00

Stress.

My life is really full of obligations and nagging little things that make me wish I could have a vacation... just for five minutes...

And here. I have one.

So I feel like telling you what I learned yesterday.

Jesus made himself nothing.

God. Came to earth. From heaven. And made. himself. nothing.

Wow.

I need to go through that again.

God= Whole. Complete. Everything.

Made= worked. tried. acted.

Himself=no one forced him.

Nothing= no one.

Jesus made himself nothing. He did not exploit his position or status as God. He did not use his equality with God to his advantage.

He became nothing.

He was a servant= his needs disappeared-- they did not fall to a lower part of the list-- they were nothing.

Jesus needed nothing.

Becuase. He served others. He considered their needs.

Period.

What a lesson to my life.

I am needy.

Any person with whom I have a close relationship will tell you that I am a mess. I need constant affection. I need to know how you are feeling, what you are thinking... (and if you dont tell me then I will just assume...)..

I am needy... Mostly I need to matter.

I can't tell you how many times in my life that Ihave begged God and some of the poeple in my life to just let me feel like I matter...

Paul, in Philippians encourages me, however, to share Jesus's attitude in my relationships:

To make myself nothing.

To consider the needs of others not just above own needs, but instead of them.

That one hurts.

pilgrims and indians.

2008-11-27T11:57:00.002-05:00

Because my family is headed in about 15 different directions for the Thanksgiving festivities today, we had a family Thanksgiving breakfast....

It was fun. I love (most of) my family (most of the time).

Now it is time for lunch.... I am so excited.. But i think I should have worn some pants with elastic in them... eating too much is my favorite holiday tradition...

AND!! TOMORROW is the first day that the world has deemed officially appropriate for listening to Christmas music!!! YAY!!!!!!!

I did it...

2008-11-25T06:46:00.001-05:00

I finished my paper... that's due in about five and a hlaf hours...

I started on it about 13 hours ago... and I'm finished... just need to turn it in and then home for Thanksgiving...

my eyes are blurry.

Saturday.

2008-11-22T13:32:00.003-05:00

I have to write two papers this weekend...

Sometimes my ability to procrastinate astounds me...

Seriously. If I had the same level of motivation as I did ability to procrastinate, my life would look... well, not like my life...

Oh well, I suppose... Here we are.

Crunch time.... my happy place... so to speak...

I should be able to succeed because I'm wearing boots with heels and new lip gloss... My grandmother taught me that wearing something new always helps you succeed... So I hope the magic lip gloss will kick in soon....

Oh wait.

distraction:

I started taking a vitamin today. I decided on the prenatal ones because I hear they make your nails strong and your hair grow faster than normal... So I'm giving them a whirl.. and hoping that they might keep me from getting sick to often in these winter months...

P.S. I bounced out of bed at 8:00 this morning...

today is a good day...

Things are getting dreary…

2008-11-21T16:43:00.001-05:00

Ok so last year i blogged about a pretty terrible case of depression I experienced. I deleted that post… but to review:

It sucked.

So, I thought for a while that I might only be seasonally affected by depression because as soon as spring started blossoming, my 'happy' came back…

Now that it is (nearly) winter again, I believe even more strongly that my depression is going to come back in the winter…

I think this because the onset of my depression occurred last year (a little later than this though) and started with an intense feeling of exhaustion and an inability to get out of bed in the mornings….

For the last week and a half I have really struggled with getting out of bed… Not waking up… I have been able to wake up just fine… The idea of pulling off the covers and standing up is just weird….

But today I slept until 10:00…. That is a BIG problem… BIG…

Those with depression usually don't sleep at all or (in my case) tend to sleep all the time… Last year at this time, I was sleeping 8 hours at night then taking two or three hour naps in the afternoon….

The fact that I slept for ten hours last night was a little more than unsettling to me…

My environment is actually very similar than it was last year: In school. Overworked. Dealing with family stress.

BUT. There are some major differences. My therapist last year suggested a few practical ways for me to deal with depression. Exercise. Don't nap. Accomplish something everyday. Go to class.

These things were very helpful and really worked to combat my depression…

The thing is:

I never stopped doing most of these things… (Except exercise… but I started that again a couple of weeks ago…)

So I'm doing all the things I know how to do to avoid the winter time blues…

But they seem to be coming back…

I really struggle with this because I love my life!!

I am working harder in school than I ever have and achieving the things that I have worked so hard to earn.

I am involved with so many activities that keep me busy and in constant contact with other people.

I am more desperate to and more active in seeking to know who God is.

I am so in love with James and I am more receptive of his love than at any point in our relationship to date.

My family is moving into a positive transition period… which makes me happy.

What I hate about depression so much is this: All the joy I have for these things is dulled. These things are important and I love them all… But the joy and excitement that I feel for them right now will be complete inside of depression… That makes me so angry to consider that, just because there isn't enough sunlight out side and my brain doesn't know how to deal with that, all the fun in my life is zapped…

I am not opposed to using a medicinal approach to treating this… But I really really don't have the time to go to therapy sessions once a week… And I would definitely not take the meds without therapy…

There is also a chance that I am jumping the gun a little bit on this one… But because my experience last year was so dark, I am super sensititive to my body and mind these days. I would like to avoid that by whatever means necessary… So maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive… I might just be tired. Or stressed. Or may be harboring some anger (the most common reason for depression… although I doubt that one…).

Hmm… Wow. That was a lot to say…. So to make a point of all this: My life has sucked before for reasons beyond my ability to change them. A lot of people in my life, kind and thoughtful as they may be, cannot make themselves believe that depression is not something you just "get over"… I didn't choose it before. I didn't wallow in it… I didn't want to be sad. I didn't decide everyday to be sad. It wasn't something I could just talk myself out of (thought mindset plays a big part in how bad it can be…).

And now, if this is depression, it is certainly not something I would ever ask for. As aforementioned, I LOVE my life. I enjoy my life more than ever these days. If depression is coming back, I don't want it to stay long.

Mental health is a subject that a lot of people (particularly Christians) are really insensitive about. For example: I have been given the advice (and held the belief) that if I would just trust God and be a "better Christian" and give Jesus my load to carry, my depression would go away… Ummm… That's false… While sin and distance from God can most certainly be a cause of depression, it is ABSOLUTELY NOT the only one!!!

I will say it again:

SIN IS NOT THE ONLY THING THAT CAUSES DEPRESSION.

(That would really piss off some Biblical counselors because they make their life about showing you how you can change your brain chemistry by eliminating sin from your life… they are wrong.)

So, that said, if depression is something that you have dealt with or think you may be dealing with right now, it's totally ok. I've heard depression called the common cold of American mental health. You are not alone. Here are a few of my favorite blogs on depression:

The first is full of depression doodles. It's really interesting, whether you experience depression or not.

This one is just a blog on depression. Very informative and helpful.

If you think you may depression, it's totally worth talking to a professional about it. I know I mentioned not having enough time to see one, but truthfully, I probably wouldn't be happy to any degree if I hadn't visited one before. So. Go for it. You really have nothing to lose… except for that dark, looming cloud that is following you around…

(** Special note to the critics in my life who can't believe I would have the audacity to post such personal information for such a wide audience to possibly read even though my motives are honest and hopeful: Up. Yours.**)

I'm really struggling with this...

2008-11-20T14:28:00.001-05:00

.... the best Christmas present I could ever give James just fell through...

I'm so depressed...

It was going to be so good... Oh well... I think that means I have to give him the second best thing.... which is still really really good!!

Disappointed but hopelful, I guess...

Change is necessary.

2008-11-10T23:28:00.004-05:00

Change.

The antithesis of tradition.

I love change. I believe that change is central to be effective in whatever area of life any person on the planet wants to be successful in.

I believe that this is especially true in the church in American culture.

Change, however, is something that the traditional church has vehemently opposed.

I think this is sad. And wrong.

I believe that change is necessary.

In the Bible, God uses change to give a person a new identity. God took Abram and Sarai and made them Abraham and Sarah (Gen. 17:5 & 15). Their old names were no longer a definition of who they were. God was preparing them for an incredible change. They were to be the mother and father of all nations. God was preparing to catapult them into a new world that they couldn't see or anticipate. But God knew. And he changed their very identities to prepare them for the culture ahead of them.

On an individual basis, we (Christ followers) need new names as well.

The church needs a new name as a whole, too.

I believe that God can (and is) use (-ing) change to perfect us- to mold us into beings that are more like him. We have been catapulted into a world that does not like what we are. But we already lost the culture war. Fighting with the world is no longer effective--- we need to love them.

We need a new name.

(By the way, God also changed the names of Jacob (Gen. 32:28) and Simon (John 1:42).... I think this pattern in history is significant-- it means that God can and will change people to effect the world... whenever he wants...)

I believe that change is necessary.

But.

I think change is a liberty that we can only find in God.

James 1:17 says that everything good comes from God, and he doesn't change.

Malachi 3:6 says that the Lord does not change.

Both Psalm 110:4 and Hebrews 7:21 say that God will not change his mind.

1 Samuel even says that God is not human and therefore cant change his mind (because he has no "mind" like people do).

What is interesting in this truth is that no matter how the church presents itself, no matter how many silly, obsolete, irrelevant things we do, no matter how wrong (or "right") we are,

God does not change.

But we will.

The Bible says that we will all be changed before we go to heaven (1 Cor. 15:51).

Jesus even says in Matthew that if we don't change and become like children then we won't see heaven....

While I believe that change is necessary, I find hope and comfort in the fact that, the truth of God's unending, undeniable, unconditional love for me is real and constant. His love, his instruction, his warmth, his discipline, his comfort, his desire to pursue and know me will never waiver.

Change is necessary.

It's coming.

It has arrived.

God is(has) changing (changed) us. We are in the midst of finding our new name-- our new identity-- our new mission from him.

Change is necessary.

I drive him crazy...

2008-11-09T22:18:00.000-05:00

... but I'm pretty sure he loves me anyway...

a happy little whirlwind...

2008-11-06T23:20:00.003-05:00

I am exhausted.

I scheduled literally every second of my day today... And have finally gotten the chance to take a break...

It went like this:

Wake up (early... for today) at 8:15
Studied a little ( till 9:00)
Pilates... yes. I did it.. it was not that bad (till 9:40)
Shower
SHuttle to the library (10:20)
Writing Center(till 10:45)
Study (till 11:20)
Lunch (till 11:55)
Study (till class at 12:15)
Test (12:15 to 12:45)
Work Study (1:00 to 5:00.. an extra hour than normal because I missed one day last week)
Dinner (till 6:30)
BSU (till 8:50)
RA Meeting (till 9:15)
Zombie-Like Unwinding (till now...)

It has been just ridiculous... but at work study I got a LOT of homework done.. early!! It was beautiful...

So tonight I am enjoying a slumber party with my friend, Haley.... we were watching the news just a few minutes ago and this older lady (she was 80) got attacked by a teenager at a gas station... the police caught the girl... apparentlty they knew who she was just from the security tape... when asked about the girl being caught, the old lady said she was really glad they arrested her... and she thanked God that she didn't have her pistol... seriously....

I love my life. I love busy days. I love getting enough sleep. I love doing things early. I love planning ahead. I love being able to work through distractions. I love having a full day. I love accomplishing things. I love feeling like I have become one of those women: the kind who have busy lives but lives that are full of life and love. I love my friends. I love where I am going. I love who I am becoming. I love my life today. And I love the potential God is pulling out of me from places that I didn't even know existed.

I. love. this.

(not saying anything because apparently I'm not allowed)

2008-11-05T00:24:00.003-05:00

My name is Kami and I didn't vote in the presidential election.

I feel very judged for this. It is crazy how much Americans emphasize being accepting and tolerant of the choices people around us make, ....

Except.

When it comes to voting.

I will honestly say that I did not not vote to prove any point or because I couldn't decide who to vote for... because I had a candidate in mind who was my favorite.... I just ...

forgot.

I live out of the state in which I am registered to vote (home=Tennessee... college= South Carolina... you see?) So I just forgot too many times to absentee vote.

So I feel like the reactions that others have gotten for verbally confessing this atrocity are beyond judgemental...

Because of this, I have been too afraid to tell many people about what I have done... or have not done, I guess....

Apparently you can do anything in America, the land where everyone fits in somewhere...

Except.

Not vote...

I feel like all my intellect, all my thoughts, all my ideas, all my feelings, (etc) are automatically disqualified because I didn't go to a building, pick someone, and get a sticker... What I hate the most is this idea that because I didn't vote, I am not allowed to make any criticisms of the president in the next four years, nor offer any suggestions as to how I would do things differently...

apparently, for the next four years, I don't count.

Seems so silly... I mean, don't get me wrong,... I love that we get to vote... Love the Democratic process... I heart Voting....

But please.

I just forgot to vote....

Sheesh. Give. Me. A. Break. (please)

(P.S.... next time I will be voting.....)

bliss.

2008-11-01T19:51:00.002-04:00

Today was wonderful...

Ross.
Goodwill.
Falls Park.
Thaicoon.
Coffee.

Wonderful day!!!

And. I started working on James's Christmas present... It is kind of up in the air... but if it works out... then this could be the greatest gift ever!! (sorry... but this is really. really. good... and it technically wasn't my idea... so I dont just think it's good because I came up with it... I tihnk it's good because I know, without a doubt, that James is going to love it more than anything else I could get for him... :) )

Now. I have a paper to write before monday.. sheesh.. college would be so great if everyday was Saturday... :)

a sickness.

2008-10-30T18:00:00.004-04:00

I am selfish.

I have recently been completely consumed with making myself happy at pretty much any cost to me or those around me.

Today I asked God to help me stop.

To help me quit.

because putting my desires above everything is an addiction.

Manipulation, pressure, meanness, and ultimate victory produce such a high.

When I get what I want, I am the best. I am at the top. No one is better than me. No one is stronger than me. No one is smarter than me.

I win.

But this victory is the most life-draining experience.

Because every time I win, every time I beat the adversity,

I lose... I lose a piece of my soul... I move a space away from God... away from those around me...

Every time I succeed in having things my way, I isolate myself further from God and humanity.

I want to reconnect. I want to be a part of the grace that God has made a perfect place for me to fit into.

I asked him what the first step was.. for me to quit, for me to heal from the self-inflicted hurt...

He gave me an answer in the form of a verse: Psalm 39:1.

He told me to shut my mouth.

For those of you who are close to me, who have witnessed this selfish addiction... you know what this means... And I'm ready to do it.

I am ready to quit.

So strap on the muzzle...

I'm not talking...

Gossip.
Meanness.
Pointing out the flaws in others.
Lies/Omissions.

Done. With. It. All.

cyclopse.

2008-10-30T16:04:00.002-04:00

So here we are again...

I'm back to the blogging world after a little vacation to clear my head and find some new inspiration.. when, to my surprise, inspiration found me. Again.

I'm sick.

Again.

I have a cold or sinus infection or allergies or something like that... And... Pink Eye...

I cough and sneeze and sniffle...

And my eye is bright red...

I feel like a monster...

I am very self conscious about my eye... my eyes are the crowning glory of my face.. big, green, and sparkely... And now one of them looks like a moldy strawberry...

In my insecurity, I am reminded of something one my friends shared with me about insecurites.

Pride breeds insecurites.

In my case, I feel like my eyes are pretty and something that's worth liking.

I feel insecure about it being bright red and oozing stuff because I think everyone else should like looking at my eyes as much as I do...

But. If I just didn't think so highly of myself and be a little humble (and I'm not talking bashing myself... because I am a female and and tempted and follow through with that enough.. another post... another day) I would probably not be so bothered by this pink eye thing...

So, here's a challenge from me, to you.. and me....

Think about what makes you insecure... think about why... my guess is that is it has something to do with pride... make an effort to turn that pride around: thank God for the beautiful, positive things he has given you... give him the credit... and then... get over yourself... :)

that was ruined.

2008-10-16T00:58:00.002-04:00

i just read a random blog by someone I dontk now... and they quoted book four (breaking dawn) of the Stephanie Meyer series... and I'm only on book three... and they quoted something big.... sheesh... I'm just disappointed.

my little bloggy blog...

2008-10-16T00:55:00.001-04:00

...got a make over...

tell me what you think!

important... i think.

2008-10-15T09:35:00.000-04:00

this is an early post.... I have no idea why, but I felt inspired to write just now... no topic yet, so I'll just tell you about what today is going to look like:

I have three classes.
Two paper topics to turn in.
And one test.

This morning the thought that keeps rolling around in my head is that I need to be thankful for these things. As a college student, I have been guilty of complaining about... well, lots of things... especially when it comes to school.

I have too much work.

I didn't get enough sleep.

The rules are obnoxious.

I hate going to class.

I dont have enough time for myself....

But this morning I am just overwhelmed with this sentence playing in my mind over and over again:

"Thank God for this... This studying that your are doing is an opportunity for you to grow your mind... It's a gift, not an obligation..."

It's interesting that this thought has been placed in my head today, in particular... last night I was up until three doing homework and studying because yesterday I had class, work, then studying, a meeting, and band practice until 11:30... my days have been completely maxed out doing things that I complained about "having" to do..

So this morning, tired, overwhelmed, and very near my brain's capacity, I write to you:

Thank God for today.... The work that you do is a opportunity for you to grow... It's a gift (given with your entire life in mind.. that means the here and now as well as what you can't see), it's not an obligation...

I will end this post with the challenge that is inside of my head today.

Acknowledge the difficult, boring, tedious, obligatory situations/tasks that normally plague your life.

But, instead of looking at these with disgust/dread/complaining-- see the truth behind these things.

Find the purpose of these things that was designed specifically and personally for you by a God who has shown that his heart for us is not one of control and a desire for us to suffer. He loves us. He loves you.

busy day..

2008-10-13T23:19:00.000-04:00

I had a really big, frightening test today... but... when I took it, it turned out not to be so scary after all...

I also went bowling tonight.. it was pretty fun... I'm no bowler, .. .that's for sure... James was getting a little antsy though, when I accidentally got three spares in a row... haha... he has actual skills... lol... so.. that was fun...

I did all my homework uncharacteristically early today... so I think I will enjoy a little pleaser reading before sleep comes tonight... (BTW, I'm reading Stephanie Meyer's Twilight collection... I'm on book #3.. Eclipse... so stinking good.... )

so it's been a while..

2008-10-10T15:26:00.000-04:00

..sorry.

I am no longer ill... but James is... he's getting better though!!

So, I've been super busy with papers and tests.... eek...

Then there was fall break... which was beautiful..

And now I'm at school...I feel rested and ready to take on the challenges of school...

This has been really boring... really raelly boring...

I apologize...

2008-09-26T00:07:00.000-04:00

I am finished being sick...

Thought today I was going to make it (only two classes...) ... but nooo... got a fever shortly before class numero two.. it was stupid... tomorrow, I dont even care... I'm going to my classes and if I die of whatever I have, then so be it... I'm done laying in bed all day and watching tv... I know.. I can't believe I even said that either... but it's true... I'm over it!!

Going to bed now... :)

Just had to get that out :)

2008-09-24T23:19:00.000-04:00

Ok so maybe tomorrow or something I will feel like writing a long post about my thoughts on some subject, but for today, I am tired and will stick to the basics.

Woke up, with all intentions of going to all four classes... almost died in chapel (which was before class) and decided a good goal would be half... and so I made it...

Then I took a shower and left for church (at Connection Fellowship where Jamesy is doing musical things... ask me if you wanna come.)

There was Barbeque... pork barbeque.. those who know me know I was excited... it made me miss my grandparents though... my grandmother knows it is one of my very favorite things to eat so she makes it every time I coem home... once, she had a heart attack but was plannign on making it, so she was like "I'm so sorry but I think I'm gonnna have to wait a week or so to make that for you ..." She is amazing... so I miss them...

Then we hung out with the youth (all five of them plus a fun IMPACT team from school :) ) and it was great until I, once again, almost died... SO i just layed down and took a little nappy...

Then band practice... James did a marvelous job leading the team and it's gonna be great on Sunday...

Back to school... I'm writing a paragraoh for my writing class... probably wont do very well.. but that's ok.. I made a "surprisingly high" score for the first assignment already (according to my teacher.. super excited about that, by the way... ) so I'll prolly just be a little careless this time... to keep an even balance.. lol... that makes no sense,.. .I'm aware... :)

So, goodnight for now... ta ta!!

I feel oddly at peace...

2008-09-23T22:10:00.002-04:00

Dancing with the Stars...

Sigh...

I love television!!

Today I felt horrible... raelly really bad.

But James was so sweet, he took really good care of me.. I love him.

So the goal for tomorrow is to go to all my classes... it will be difficult, and I will probably drop dead at 3:45 when classes end, but I am gonna try real real hard!!

I feel disgusting.

2008-09-23T00:08:00.000-04:00

Still.

If my mother were here, she would tell me to close my mouth because I smell like strep...

I feel terrible.... Swollen neck... (yes, neck.. not just throat... there is no scratchy pain like from sinuses or junk... my whole neck wont move... ) Fever... my temperature is going nuts... it's been pretty high and also pretty low today... weird...

And my favorite symptom:

Complete and utter exhaustion... I already emailed my teachers to let them knwo there was no way I was coming to class... aside from potentially spreading the plague, I feel like a bus ran over me... (I think this is what that feels like anyway...)

I even went to a fun outing with a bunch of friends and left before the homemade chocolate cheesecake... (for those of you who know me, you know that THAT is a big deal...)

OK. Done complaining.... time for sleeping.

Goodnight.

today was a lovely day...

2008-09-21T23:50:00.001-04:00

Two posts in one day... this one only to say...

I loved today... it started out crummy... but ended perfectly...

I loved today.

still.

2008-09-21T15:58:00.001-04:00

So, I still feel disgusting...

But my parents brought some sunshine yesterday!! They came to visit and I was so glad to see them!

Fun fun fun!!

I slept until after eleven today! It felt great... but I am already feeling a nap coming...

I had a great afternoon with James and the 'rents.. .we went downtown for lunch.. .my parents had never been to downown Greenville before.. my dad works for development for the city he works in and came for some inspiration... I think he found what he was looking for...

Leasa, my new roommie and I are gettign along swimmingly ...

Today I am just focusing on gettign a little work done before I fall sleep again. :)

i am ill...

2008-09-19T23:44:00.001-04:00

Not angry.

Sick.

I feel like a little animal crawled into my brain and told it to make the rest of my body feel like it was going to fall off.

I feel so bad, I got all gussied up for a night on the town, and then...

cried at the dinner table... seriously.

Gross... Off to bed... for forever..

Good news, though, my fam is coming tomorrow... my mommy will take care of me... which in will include lots of hugs and sitting and affection... because unconditional love is the best medicine... I'm also quite confident my familiy would go to any length to make me feel better... I sure have missed them :( .. it will be nice to be treated special :) (since I am a middle child, sickness is just about the only time I can take advantage of any extra attention that I will ever get... I know.. weird... ) SO. I'm happy about that...

Ok. Goodnight.

Fevers... stupid junk.

Two New Things Happened Today...

2008-09-19T00:53:00.000-04:00

I started my work study job.

I am supposed to be working in the game room from 2 to 5 on Tuesdays and Thursdays... this weekend, however, is Parent's Weekend here, so i spent all three hours helping put things together for that.

It was fun though!! My actual job will consist of sitting at a desk, trading pool sticks and ping pong paddles for Student ID's... it will be grand!

ALSO!!!

BIG NEWS!!!

I got a roommate today!!!!!!!

I loved not having a roommate but I was quite honestly becoming quite sick of myself... I'm selfish enough so just sitting in my own world was just too much... So.

Now I have Leasa. She and her roommate were having some issues and my name ws on the list of those who lived alone, so she asked to move in with me. She lived just downstairs from me, so I said, sure. I knew her a bit and liked her, so the adventure began tonight!! It will be a crazy weekend moving all her stuff upstairs, but it will be good! She has a loft, a bigger tv, a refridgerator, a fantastic movie selection, and a bunch of really cool pictures for the walls (which I am severly lacking... )

I think this will be great.... She brought me a cold Capri Sun... it was heavenly!!

OK, off to tomorrow... FRIDAY!! YAY!!!!!!

It's Founder's Day at NGU...

2008-09-17T23:12:00.000-04:00

...so, of course, I skipped chapel... lol! (Don't tell... )

I happily went to Dunkin Donuts with James and some great new friends.. (Jason, Haley, and Carley).. I enjoyed a blueberry muffin and an iced coffee (Which was more like iced sugar than anything else...).. it was deicious!

Then I came back to school where I attended 75% of my classes... skipped only one... and it was for a good cause :)

I went to church early with James... to Connection Fellowship where James will hopefully be leading worship on Sundays...

I helped make dinner there... I did the salad and garlic toast with Haley and Tara (the children's minister).

Then I came back to my room and did my homework...

AND!! Finished before ELEVEN!!!!!!!

THAT IS A MIRACLE!!!

So, here I am now, writing this blog with no point... just happy that I will be able to go to sleep on time tonight!! YAY for accomplishing a scheduled goal!! YIPPEE FOR BEDTIME!! :) .... I'm delusional from sleep deprivation...

which. I'm happy to announce I will be writing a paper about... I will also be writing a paper on the mental disorder of my choice ... and will be writing two separate assignments on topics yet to be revealed to me... AND!! I have to write a paper about what computer i would buy if I had $600 dollars and another one about what kind I would buy with an unlimited budget.... (which I care very very little about.. considering I have a computer that I like and well.. dont care about other "hypothetical" computers...)... and all these are due within the next week and a half...

I'm going to die. I'm quite certain...

I'm going to get carpel tunnel (I dont know how ot spell that... obviously.) and paper cut myself in my eyes from my flimsy wrists and run into something sharp because I'm blind and will have internal bleeding from the impact and will surely die...

Ok. melodramatic. for real. .... I need to sleep. :)

today. is not even over. even though it's tomorrow.

2008-09-17T01:20:00.000-04:00

I am so sleepy.

I feel like my brain is going to fall off...

I know. that makes no sense. it's because there is no sense up there today.

I slept through my classes today. ... isn't that terrible?? it was completely unintentional... I just needed sleep and my body gave me no other choice.

so I sang at a revival tonight with james. it was really sweet. older people tend to enjoy us because we are not perfect singers (or players) but we love worship and they love that about us... (people closer to our age tend to look for aa good show.. and we are not that good...) one lady asked if we had tapes for sale... i said no, but we may look into it.. james let the same lady think we were married... she was too sweet.... we couldn't tell her no... she was precious... it was really good tonight... lots of mistakes were made but I feel like we accomplished our purpose: we brought people to the feet of Jesus... which I think is my job as a worship leader... I am not a very good "singer" but I just love God and love what he is to me and love the outlet of song in showing him that, so the fact that God chooses me to use that passion in my heart to touch others with his Spirit and love is amazing... and so fulfilling... much more so than just sounding good...

after the revival was an RA duty meeting (I'm an RA... Yay for Top VanDiver)... we played duck, duck, goose... super fun!! I just love T.J. ... he was the Asistant Coordinator on duty in charge of our meeting... he says he's been to too many boring RA meetings... last week we had a scavenger hunt all around campus and this week a fun game.. he is the best! lol... it was fun... (although, i did get caught, so I ended up in the pot for a while..)

then. there was praise band practice. I am part of a revolutionary year of BSU music... (ok, I may only think that because my boyfriend is in charge, but it si much much different than recent history, and I am proud ot be a part of it!!) so tongiht we practiced with a whole new group of people that had mostly never mey eachother before... it was really cool though... jason (the guy in charge of the group) was VERY prepared with plans and music and guidance... he rocks. evevryone seemed to gell together nicely for the first week.. major kudo's to Jason's organization though, practice was short and very easy with all his effort.. this is going to be a fun semester with this band... I'm excited.

Now. I'm here. on the verge of finishing an article review that may or may not be due tomorrow morning... but that is my life... ha ha!!

today has been grand.... only a bit more homework and then I will sleep!!

btw... skipping chapel tomorrow... Founder's day.. as if.... going to Dunkin Donuts instead... do a little worshippin' of my own... :) (God made blueberry muffins and chocolate covered doughnuts and poppy seed bagels..... and I give him all the glory for it!!)

oh wait. I got mail today!! that is my very favorite thing!! snail mail is my love language.. lol.. my AC, Katie, sent me a card in my mailbox... it was so cute... it was all about coffee... she wrote a sweet note inside too... I love her. :)

so there were three tests today.

2008-09-15T23:50:00.000-04:00

And I did not do as well as I wanted to on any of them.

I found myself wondering why in the world God is still blessing me with the gift of a wonderful education when I just keep wasting opportunities...

All last week I was going to study. I made lists, and stacks, and plans, and study guides...

But I didn't make time to actually study.

I feel silly.

I have literally EVERYTHING that I need in order to study effectivley...

God has given me books,

a desk,

a chair,

a computer,

limitless school supplies,

a highly-functioning mind,

my own room (!!!!),

plenty of free time,

and still...

I waste it all away... Today I did hear a person in my foundations of Christian Psych class say something that really really hit home in this part of my life.

He was on serious academic probation and was getting kciked out of school when God showed him some pretty intense grace and let him stay in school... He was saved from having to start paying back school loans, from losing years of work he had alraedy done, and from having ot go into the world without the necessary tools and training... Now he has a 3.98 GPA...

He is doing something with the grace and love of God...

I was so challenged by this story, because I know... I am completely aware that I am only at my school, in my room, at my desk,.. IN MY LIFE... because of God's grace and the fact that he loves me....

So, my challenge for today (and for the rest of my college career) is straight from God: Take care of what I have given you. Otherwise you will know it was stupid and you will FEEL that stupidity. Also, I want to trust you.. take care of the small things so I can give you bigger things...

Titus 3:8... devotion to good... not stupid things...

Goodnight for now.

you know you missed me...

2008-09-13T10:59:00.000-04:00

I have returned!

I have made a comeback to this little world of blogging...

And I am so excited.

Now, to review the last few months of my life, I left off at the beginning of my new job. I was a waitress at an Itatlian restaurant in my little town. I started out LOVING my job, but, like any job, it quickly became ...well, work. I loved being a waitress. After a couple of weeks of deep questioning and soul-searching, I decided that using my good looks and charm with an extra hair flip for the boys was an acceptable way to beg for/make money.... I enjoyed all the interaction with people (who were generally very kind with the excpetion of those who refused to leave any tips despite the high quaity level of service). The people I worked with were very very interesting. I hd my favorites. The restaurant was owned and run by several Egyptian men who had lived in America for only a few years. They were ... interesting. My two bosses, Said (Sah-eed) and Sherif (Shuh-reef) were very laid back. So laid back that one day we had to close the restaurant because they forgot to pay one of the bills. They were great though. The cooks were my favorite though. You would not beleive some of the things that happened with these peoepl... none of whom spoke english as a first language.

First, there was Omar. He was from Mexico and the youngest of ten children. He was my first friend on the job. Later I found out he was secretly dating one of the other waitresses and became excessively "handsy" when he tried to convince everyone that WE were an item so they wouldn't suspect anything between him and the other girl... Seriously. I was so sad when I caught on to this... Because he was really nice before he turned all gross.

Next, Willie. (He was Egyptian) He was not nice. He was absolutely in love with my best friend Rachel (who also worked there) but really didn't understand that American concept of getting in good with the Best Friend in order to get to said pretty girl.... One time he even confronted me about me thinking tht he ddin'tl ike me... he was mad at me for suggesting thathe was not nice... He. Was. Crazy.

Ayman. Also Egyptian. ALso very very hot headed. He was also in love with Rachel. (I dont blame them, she is AMAZING!! She is so kind and very beautiful, but is very in love with her boyfriend of three years). Ayman was very forward though. He would say the funnniest things. He would pick up little idioms and try them out on us.... it was quite funny. He just didn't wear deoderant... He was a very very hard worker... With no deoderant... I know. Gross.

Then there was Mike. (Real name, Mustafa, also Egyptian). He was my favorite. Everyday I ever knew him, he would ask me for a kiss... At first I was grossed out by this. I thought, "Why is this crazy foreign man asking me for a kiss???" Then one day he told me and Rachel (Who also got daily offfers of affection from him) that he knew that we were good, that we had good in our hearts, that we were different from other American girls because we never said yes to kissing him.

That was wonderful to hear. After we had been working there for a little bit, all of the men in the kitchen told us they knew there was something different about us. They told us we were the nicest Americans they had ever met. This was amazing to hear because none of these men were Christians. In fact, the Egyptian men were all Muslims.

This summer was an incredible experience. All Rachel and I did was show up, work hard, and show the heart of Jesus to these people.

God is just amazing because we never said a word about religion to these men but they were desparate to talk. ONe night Ayman and Mike kept us for two hours after closing just asking us questions about Christianity and tlaking about Islam.

This and many other conversations never led to any "conversion"... because they believed what they believed to the very core of their souls (A lesson some Christians can really learn from...). BUT!! They saw out hearts.

Despite not agreeing with us on many many "religious" levels, these men saw Christ in our hearts. They like us, they laughed with us, and they missed us when we left.

Going to a Christian university with so many opportunities to go out in to the world and share Christ is wonderful. But at the end of last year, I really felt like a slacker Christian: I wasn't interning at a church or going on any trips to another country or even working at a camp for kids... I was a waitress...

But God was not joking when he gave us the great commission .. His word tells us to go into the world, but part of that world includes our own back yards (or in my case, small towns). God didn't call me to go to a foreign country but he did bring the world to me! God let me be a missionary to the men that I worked with by just showing up to work and smiling through the stress of the job.

My summer is really a great example of God working through us and not expecting us to do it ourselves. He is amazing. And I love him.

In addition to my job, I ... well... really did not do a whole lot... haha.

But. I did do a lot work on my insides. And my outsides...

My freshman year of college was really tough. In spite of experiencing a major transition in every part of my life, I also exereinced a really dark bout of depression. As the emotional eater that I am, it was only natural for me to eat every single sad feeling tht I had. And as a result, I gained.... (drumroll... ) a lot of pounds!! A LOT!! Especially fro my five foot two frame... This summer thoguh, God really gave me a clear mind and an open haert and helped me just feel my emotions and successfully lose about half the weight I gained over the past year. It was great. I'm still going for the other half, and I'm doing well so far.

I also did some work on the inside. :)

I also decided that I want a tattoo.. I really wanted to get one befor the end of the summer, but since it;s kind of permanent and I couldn't deicide where on my body I wanted something and couldn't really nail down a specific "thing" to get tattooed to my body, I chose to postpone it a little... but. It's coming soon. I'll post a blog later about my thgouhts on tattoos... (By the way, I like them.. :) But it wasn't always that way... :) )

Ok, so now Im bakc at school and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this year of my life so far. It's beautiful!!

More later... thanks for stopping by.