Saturday, December 18, 2010

oh, Clive. you get me every time.

"the books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. these things -- the beauty, the memory of our own past -- are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshipers. for they are not the thing itself, they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."

-C.S. Lewis

Friday, December 17, 2010

I didn't write this. I don't know who did...

On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realize there were no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.

That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

That you control that completely.

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That that’s why it’s worth living.

That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around.

That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.


And so are you.




...but it was certainly important for me to both read and share.

(hoping that your heart knows Love during this lovely season)

Saturday, May 8, 2010

my mother.

An excerpt from my journal...

Today, I looked at my hands and I saw my mother. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
--April 2, 2010

It's true. I love my mother.
My new favorite compliment is "You look a lot like your mom."
She is beautiful. She is full of grace. She teaches me about peace everyday. She lets me be me.
She always has.
I love her.
My mom is generous. Her money. Her time. Her energy. Her love.
She treats it as if it is already yours. Nothing, in her mind, belongs to solely her. It is there for sharing.
This is why she is beautiful.
This is why I love to be likened to her.

Happy Mother's Day to my Little Mommy. I love you very much. Thanks for being my mom.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

fear

if i am going to be completely honest.

the things i desire most are the things that generate the most fear inside of me.



thoughts of pursuing what i want,

what my heart needs,

spin me into a fit.



to love.

to write.

to speak.

to create.



i will toil for a distraction from any of these desires.



i will attempt to put roots into things that i do not love in order to

avoid

the very things i want the most.



because i'm afraid.



my fear of imperfection binds me to the starting line.

my fear of vulnerability cages me.

my fear of being used breeds skepticism.

my fear of pain makes me blind to opportunity.



i will say out of one side of my mouth that i would no longer like to be haunted by my fear.

and out of the other sing its praises for the comfort it provides.



~~~



the solution?



is it morality?

is it striving?

is it lying?

pretending?

ignoring?



the easy answer is to just stop being afraid,

accepting the choice to simply

not fear.



i pray that i will stop running away,

stop fearing the risk involved in embracing the beauty that is to be found in a heart that has allowed itself to be

filled

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

i've been going to counseling.

My heart is so full.
Full of love,
Full of pain,
Full of knowledge,
Full of grace,
Full of worry,
Full of searching,
Full of finding.

God is cleaning house.
Just like He said he would.
He is sweeping out all the bad.
The untruth.
The unbeautiful.
And burning it in the fire.
He's making room for the good.
He is replacing the ugly.
With the truth.
The beautiful.
The gracious.
The light.

I'm in the middle of the progress.
Sometimes the light hits me and I just can't help but sparkle within His beauty.
And sometimes, as the cancer of my story is being defeated, I am knocked on my feet.
I find hope in knowing that this strenuous, beautiful process is a sign of what's to come.
Because if I go through the hard times with Him, then I will certainly experience the good with Him as well.
For now, I'm just full.
Forgive me for bursting into fits, be them laughter or tears.
My heart is full, spilling over, pouring out the most peculiar mix of feelings, and understanding that the only real pain in life is to feel nothing at all.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

put down your pitch forks.

This past Sunday a small part of my house caught on fire. Luckily the house will be fine after a few weeks of work. I am not worried about the house or having a place to stay or anything else concerning my material needs. God gives and takes away. But he always provides.
What is bothering me and will probably continue to bother me is my heart and my spirit.

My mind is full of thoughts. Pictures of the panic I experienced when I realized what was going on. The fear that rushed through my body when I saw my house on fire.

I am angry. I don't understand. I don't get it. I don't see the purpose of this craziness.

And I honestly feel like God owes me an apology.

I know. That makes me a monster.

I mean. We are all completely safe. Our "stuff" is totally fine.

But my heart is afraid. My mind races when it should be sleeping. We did everything right.
And now I don't even get the privilege of rebuilding. I don't get to start over.
I have to look at the holes in the wall and the ceiling.
See the charred wood. And instead of walking away, I have to deal with the scars in the house.
And the scars in my heart.

The thing is.
I know I should trust God.
to heal and to provide purpose.

But why does he get to make it so difficult?

Friday, January 29, 2010

he must have liked it....

cause he.... well... you know. :)

I am happy to announce that tonight, January 28th, 2010, James Eaton asked me to be his wife.

And I said yes.

Bliss. that is all.

Expressed doubley through sighs and giggles. :)