Christmas Eve Eve Eve

...this is the week where i have an excuse for indulging all my fears in a bath of carbohydrates.

next week.
is a different story.

call me childish...

...but I honestly thought I would be able to spend my entire life escaping any people who were mean to me for no reason at all....

I never anticipated my character being called out by a stranger.
I believed that no one would ever throw words in my face that couldn't possibly be true.
I thought everyone would see me. and know me. and like me.

This week, I encountered all of the above in one hurtful hour that I am trying to forget.
Someone who knows very little about me tore me to shreds... to my face... well...to my phone.

Things were said. Lies were told. My personality was butchered. My boyfriend was called a fool. My character was challenged.

And my heart was broken.

I can't just go on like this didn't happen. I have to be true to the Beauty I am called to live in and defend.

So. Here goes.

Those things you said to me were wrong.
I am no liar.
I am not lazy.
I am not manipulative.
I was telling the truth and you were not.
I was not playing a game. You were.
I am not perfect and neither are you.
You know nothing about me.
If you did, you would know.
I strive for integrity. I fail. But I am not a thief.
I did not rob you. You robbed yourself.
James loves me. His commitment to me is steadfast. No words you say will change that. And he would never speak to any human being the way you spoke to me.
I did not quit.
I did not refuse to do anything.

And I my heart breaks for you. I have spent the last two days inside my head, imagining how ugly your life must be. To speak to a girl like me, one who has risen above the petty drama and excelled at anything you have asked, the way you did says so much about your life. I have been sad for myself-- those words you said were not fair. I deleted them from my phone but I can't delete them from my heart. But I am working on forgiving you. Part of that forgiveness is a deep desire to see justice. I am praying for you. I can not seem to stop praying for you.

I am praying that God will humiliate you. Bring you to your knees. Beg for His mercy.

I am praying that you will accept His mercy. I pray that you will feel the rush of His grace and you will be free from yourself-- the self that makes you say those things you did. I pray you will no longer be without a choice. I pray that you will find His love and acceptance. I pray you won't feel the need to bury another purpose for your cause. I pray you will find this. And share it with your family. I pray your children will learn to lean on the love of their heavenly father. I pray you will learn to lead with this love.


Now. I pray that the Beauty that lives inside of me -- that you tried to desecrate -- will be restored to a luster-- a strength-- never seen before.



Life lesson learned. Kami. Not everyone is going to care for you. The good news is, He will never stop.

what to say?

It's been months.

I plan on doing a better job on keeping up. :)

how about an update?

Seeing that it's been an eternity, here is a bit of an update:

1. Camp is almost over at NGU and I am thrilled! I am very excited about what the Fall semester holds.

2. The friends I have made here this summer are some of the best ever. It is an amazing experience to cultivate real community with people. Living and working with the same 20 odd people for nine weeks produces some conflict but, overall, a functional, happy family.

3. I have been conquering some fears. For instance, running.... Yeah, I've done it.

4. I miss my family but love being a grown-up. ;)

5. I am still in the process of buying a car. (still looking for options as I wait... )

6. I've lost 20 pounds and feel phenomenal. (thanks to Brandon Simpson of upstateelitefitness.com)

7. I have expereinced both ends of generosity and believe that this world would find some peace if everyone could grasp that idea.

8. I started sleeping with a mask at night (again). It blocks out light and I fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer... And I like BOTH of those things.

9. I've rekindled my romance with coffee. We're totally in love.

And finally,
10. I am now 20 years old!! No longer a teenager. Hmm.. And. I had one of the best birthdays ever!

That's about it. :) I love my job, my friends, and my life. I am enjoying living it so stinkin' much!

knowing you. knowing me.

in order to remember who He is, i am reminding myself of who i am.

diet coke.

I just drank a glass of it for dinner.

I am so not used to have any caffiene.

I feel like there are bugs crawling around in my insides.

I'm all jittery... It's weird.

I'm definitely not used to feeling like this... My fingers are typing faster than my brain.

Weird. So weird that I've done everything I can think of to occupy my mind.

So I decided to write a blog... But now I'm bored...

OK. Bye.

one month.

is a long time to not write a blog...

so. sorry.

in short:
*i still like my job
*i am learning so stinking much
*i absolutely adore the people around me everyday
*i have lost 16 pounds and feel incredible
*i miss my family
*i miss James like crazy but love learning how to be an individual again
*i started taking karate... and i really like it (despite how mentally challenged it makes me feel sometimes)
*i made a list of things i wanna do while i'm alive... and maybe i'll share it soon

ok. that's all for now :)
ta ta. -K